Invest In Relationships

            If you have lost someone close to you, I feel like one of the first thoughts that may have gone through your head was, “I wish I had just one more chance…” or “I wish I had just a little more time.” Watching my kids sleep every night reminds me of one of the greatest lessons I have ever learned.  We don’t have more time. And we don’t get any more chances. It’s time to start investing in relationships NOW.

            Ezra is a year and a half. This is a great age. Of course, all stages of his little life have been exciting and new and wonderful. But this one is amazing.  It is the first time in his life that he is choosing to follow or to disobey. It’s the first time we as parents have to start using punishments for his actions. And it’s probably the first time I have lost my patience with him on more than one occasion (within an hour or so). Yet it seems every night, when he is about to get ready for bed, whatever happened that day, whatever rules and boundary lines he crossed, he still gives me that sweet smile and wraps those sweet little arms around my neck, and kisses my cheek. Everything else fades away and I remember that I only get to hold him for one day, one moment at a time. Do I just invest in relationships that I feel are worthwhile to me?

            We’ve been living here for three years now.  Lately I’ve been asking myself, am I investing in relationships? Am I really taking time to get to know people? Is language really THAT big of a barrier, which limits my ability to love? I say to myself “all I have is now.” Am I really, really living that? If we were to get denied entry back into this country, I would have to say goodbye to all my friends and loved ones here. What would I have left behind? What would I be taking with me? How did I allow the Lord to speak, work, touch, hug, pray, love through me? This past month, we were visited by two nuns who were walking in our area and knocked on our door, asking us if we would let them in to pray with us. It was a truly wonderful experience getting to know these two women (Sister Rebekah and Sister Patrick). Though it was a swift, short meeting, I feel as though they had a calling; a mission. They went around every day, all day meeting people in their homes and praying with married couples about their relationships. These women truly invested in people. I want to live like that.

            All I get is today. All I get is right now. Why am I wasting so much time being frustrated, impatient, bitter, and unforgiving? When I sit down, really sit down and think, I ask myself today, “Who am I investing in? Who should I be investing in? Who needs the hands and feet of the body of Christ?” Then, I get up and begin the day.

Have you ever been in a place you felt like you weren’t supposed to be in? I am going to be completely honest: Since March of this year, I go to church every Sunday night from 5:30 to 7:30 to run the children’s ministry. Though this ministry takes the least of my time (about 2-3 hours planning a week, and 2 hours on Sunday), and is merely preparing a lesson, activity, craft and game for kids of ages 5 to 12, and though the kids all seem to respect and like me, for some reason this children’s ministry is the one thing I had the hardest time doing. Every Sunday, every single Sunday, I gritted my teeth as I prepared for the ministry. I don’t know if it was the fact that I had no help with the kids (despite all the parents who want their kids to be watched), or maybe the fact that the help I was “supposed” to have was 18-21 year old boys who just enjoyed coming in, pushing the kids, messing up the crafts, and leaving, or maybe it was the fact that I felt like there was no fruit in the group. Whatever it was, I really didn’t like being there.  Every night I would come home with some sad story of how parents interrupted, the older boys annoyed, the children screamed, and Paul would hold my hand while I cried for 10 minutes.

Does it sound immature? It probably was. More importantly, I forbid myself to see the joy through this situation. I deliberately chose NOT to be thankful for the opportunity. Because of that, I saw no joy. I felt no joy. Without thankfulness, I was hopeless. I continued to ask the Lord to show me the joy. Yet, I knew that it had to start with me genuinely thanking Him. Then, one Sunday in August after Evelyn was born (yes, it took that long), I went to church a little early.  As I got there, I noticed 5 or 6 kids who were waiting by the children’s door. When they saw me, they all ran up and said, “Marhaba Miss! (hello teacher)” I smiled and patted their heads. I kept walking and saw some more kids sitting with their heads down in the back of the church. When I passed them, their eyes perked up and they followed me. I remember thinking to myself, “Good thing we have children’s ministry, because these kids would be so bored in the service.” Then it hit me. Good thing we have children’s ministry. Good thing. Wait. This is a need in the church. There is a need, and I am able to fill it. Yes, it might be crazy, yes it might make me cry after, yes it’s not that easy. But I am filling a need for the Body of Christ. And because of the children’s ministry, the kids aren’t downstairs running through the isles, screaming during service, getting up out of their seats, and causing distractions. God had a need for His church, and He allowed me to fill it. It was like my eyes were opened right there. I started seeing the beauty in the children’s faces. I started noticing all the parents who would smile at me as I walked in. I began to feel like a part of the congregation, not just a babysitter for them. My heart began to be truly thankful to be a part of the lives of these kids, even if it was just one day a week. I sat down and began to prepare my lesson.

Then I saw a vision.

It came first with a thought. Now, if you know me, you probably know that one of the main ways the Lord speaks to me is through my own mind. So sitting there, I thought to myself suddenly, “What if we had more than one class? What if, in the near future, we could have three classes for different age groups within the church?” My mind began to play all kinds of scenes with youth as leaders for each class. I didn’t even know if we had the capability, but I knew this could be a thought from the Lord. A thought came into my mind; now that you are ready, Kristen, let me show you my vision for you. Oh no, Lord. I didn’t want to come teach ONE class, but now you want me to lead 3? Yet, because I had started becoming thankful for the situation, He calmed my heart and gave me peace.  He wanted me to get past my own hesitation, to enter into His trust, and see His vision.  Since that day in August, I have been working towards this goal. I have set my mind and heart to training up the youth under me to one day lead these classes (5-12, 2-4, 1 and under). I don’t know what God has in store, but I am thankful for this opportunity to continue to fill the need. To live out the vision. And this may be the very first time I am seeing the fruit of the church children’s ministry. I just had to get past my own selfishness. Who knew?

Because of God's grace, I have received 4 new "helpers" who have been there pretty consistently every Sunday since August. We have shared the vision among all of us, and everyone seems to be on board. In the meantime, I continue to prepare, pray and plan for the future. But in the present, I know there IS a purpose for me being a part of this. God doesn't need me, but He has chosen me to be a worker for His Church (literally). And with it, I praise Him.

 

Like Father, Like Son

If you have ever been away from everything familiar, you must know how shockingly lonely it can be. Without family, mom, sister, brother, niece, nephews; you begin to wonder if your children will ever know what it is like to have a relationship with the people you love the most. Of course you have friends and family where you may be, but it isn’t the same. The Lord has blessed us with the opportunity to minister out here, build relationships with people, educate their children, listen to their stories, hear their struggle, bond with a culture, learn a language, live in the Holy of holiest lands, and grow in knowledge and love for His glory and for His kingdom. He is the sustainer wherever we are. At the same time, it’s easy to think you need more. “God, thank you for giving me this opportunity….but could you also bring us home once a year to visit family? Can you also help my children to know their grandmothers? Can you also continue to show yourself in each of their lives as they grow to learn about you? Thank you.” More, more, more.

                Recently, I have encountered a book (provided by my lovely sister, Adia), called “One Thousand Gifts,” by Ann Voskamp. It is a magnificent challenge to live fully right where you are, with exactly what you have, in all situations. It has really changed my life in many ways. More specifically, it has challenged me to be grateful in ALL of life, and to WRITE DOWN all the little things I am grateful for (i.e. the feeling of Ezra’s hand on my neck when I hold him, the smell of fresh laundry, my husband smiling at dinnertime). As I continued reading this book, my mind began searching for things to be thankful for. What I found was awe-inspiring.

                I began to notice my husband. I started to notice how with every new morning, my husband wakes up laughing with Ezra in the living room. I noticed how he cleans the house with me every Friday. I noticed how every nap he puts the baby down to, he prays with him. Then he leaves Ezra’s door stating, “Okay baby, get at least 2 hours of sleep now, and we’ll keep playing when you wake up.” I noticed how he now washes each dish he uses and faithfully places it in the dish rack. How he is so quick to laugh at Disney movies with Ezra, and quick to cry while watching movies with me. How every moment of the day, he is aware of how he is bringing the Kingdom to these people.  How he always makes time for me to take a nap during the day if I need some extra sleep. How everything he does is for his family.  How everything he does, he does it for the Lord. As the Lord continued to open my eyes, I continued to notice these small wonders, these small gifts that occur every day which I would normally ignore. I began to love my life right where I was. What’s more, I began to see how the Lord gives me all that I need.  Though I don’t have my relatives here, though life can get lonely, though I am new to this culture, the Lord gives me all I desire. He showed me that through my husband. It was as if I was watching God at work in my household. It WAS watching God in my household. The Father was showing me His work through his son (Paul). Now, when I look at my husband, I remember to live fully, in gratitude, right here where I am, for however long I am here.

Rejoice in the Lord…. Always

And again I say, rejoice. What a powerful month this has been. What an emotional month this has been. Being my 9^th month of pregnancy, the feelings and anxieties of preparing for a next baby was more than I could handle this time around. Perhaps it was because my beloved doctor, Nadim, told us he would be on vacation for the delivery of the baby. Perhaps it was because Ezra had developed a new “clingy-ness” to me where I couldn’t even walk without him crying to be picked up. Perhaps it was the heat, the swollen feet, regrets, pressures to have a totally natural birth, fear of unknown circumstances, whatever the reason, I found it more difficult to have true joy this month.
My true colors shone through this month and I remembered the nasty truth about Christians…we are all sinners. But yet, it is a beautiful truth because I know Christ always finds me in the darkness. If there was no darkness, how could He find me? If I didn’t have fear, how could He surround me? If I didn’t have unknown circumstances, how could I learn to trust Him? Then I began to see how this cycle of mistrust, emotion, and trust again continues through many situations in my life. When am I going to learn? When are we going to learn?
JOY is no joke. I have searched and searched and searched and found that joy is not hiding under some rock or cave, waiting for me to finally find it. Jesus is not holding it in His pocket, waiting for me to find it. He is holding it out in His hand waiting for me to finally grasp it for myself. It’s been here all along. Joy doesn’t COME in the morning, it’s HERE in the morning. Jesus is the source, and it is everlasting. How come I miss it? I have found that I miss it when I choose to miss it. When I close my eyes, I will miss the light of the morning. But when I open my eyes, I know it’s been there all along.

The birth of our daughter was…difficult. A painful and beautiful reminder of how precious a life is. Having my mom on my right side, and my wonderfully supportive husband on my left side was joy. Holding my baby in my arms for the first time was joy. Seeing Ezra’s face when he saw her was joy. Watching my beautiful husband weep in the hospital room after she was born was joy. Hearing my mom repeat the word “rest” as I contracted in pain was joy. Happiness is watching a funny movie with my family, or going to the beach in California. Happiness comes and goes with circumstances. Joy is embedded in gratitude, embedded in the Lord. What better a name for my beautiful daughter than Evelyn Joy, which translates exactly to: Birth of Joy.

Want Joy? Here's the Answer!

This month began on a sad note. Most of the foreign teachers at the school have left and saying goodbye to some of them that I’ve known for more than 2 years was a lot more difficult than I thought. Though it could have been partly related to the pregnancy, I cried a lot those first few days. I cried for the ending of old times and at the same time the beginning of new things. I cried for the loneliness I feel sometimes being here with hardly a community of strong friends (though a few are left, and I am grateful for that). I cried saying goodbye to my students, knowing I would not teach them this next year. I cried for the unknown of knowing what it will be like to have two small babies. I cried because saying goodbye to friends made me think of how much I miss my family. I cried for the nervousness of going through labor again.  I cried for the past, and I cried for the future.

Then I spoke with my sister, Adia.

The Lord has been moving, growing, and changing Adia’s life right before my eyes. He has been showing her what it means to be JOYFUL, through thanksgiving. Because of the immense amount of joy she feels being thankful, she decided to share an idea with me. We have both individually started a “Thanksgiving Journal” where we write down every little thing we are thankful for as it comes to mind, throughout the day.  I hesitated at the idea of writing throughout the whole day, but I tried it. Let me tell you, God has changed my life through this little book. Through the happy times, through the trials, spending each day as it comes has taught me to be thankful for the little things AND the big things. Of course, it’s easy to be thankful to have life, in general. But to be thankful ALL the time for EVERY little thing takes a little bit more effort. Not because I thank Him for all things, but because I am learning to thank Him IN all things: IN the trials, IN the days of tears, IN death, IN life, IN every day.

Needless to say, it’s almost impossible to be angry with the Lord and be thankful at the same time. Slowly my heart has changed towards the situations in my life. I know I appreciate little things a lot more. The feeling of Ezra’s hand on the back of my neck while I am carrying him; the smile Paul gives me every morning when we wake up; the feeling of little Evie moving around in my belly; the warm air breezing through my kitchen window; everything would have passed by me like a car on a freeway had I not started taking the time to notice them. The question is not how many things are going smoothly in your life which you can be thankful for, but how many things are ALREADY passing you by that you can be thankful for. I bet, if you really tried, you could see at least 100 things a day. THEN how much joy would you have?

I really believe that the Lord has been speaking to me through my sister, and teaching me that joy comes with being thankful. Now, fortunately, when I am lacking  joy, the answer seems so clearly in front of me: Start thanking Him. On my birthday, June 22, I had one of those days that you wish would pass by fast so the next day would come. Again, Jesus spoke to me. This time, through a journal a friend stopped by to give me that evening. I turned to the day’s journal entry and can you guess what the topic was? Thankfulness Produces Joy. Okay Lord, I thought. I hear you. The conclusion of that journal entry said something along the lines of “Be thankful and watch what I do for you” (Jesus speaking). Praise God for joy. Praise God for Adia. He will do it for you too, just start being thankful. 

For Such A Time As This

So this is life. Preparing for a new baby, caring for an infant, learning how to be a better wife, planning and assessing student learning, organizing school administrative work, building curriculum, being Christ to youth despite their circumstances, leading a marriage Bible study, listening and sharing with close friends, missing my family back home, and all the while planning/preparing three meals a day for my family and my son and sleeping a full 8 hours a night. The Lord has been preparing me for a humble lifestyle. I never knew what it would look like. But with His strength, I do it all.

         Sure, it’s not what I had pictured 5 years ago. As I was getting my college degree and credential to teach, I always thought I would end up somewhere in the plains of Africa. But somehow, I am here; for such a time as this. For such a PLACE as this. I love it here, and I love my family here. Who knows where we will be tomorrow? Why not just worry about today?

I am slowly learning what it means to be a mother of “small children.” It means I can’t do everything I think I should because I must do what I need to do. Teaching at this school for two years now has opened my eyes to the needs of not only the students in the community, but the training up of teachers to well equip those students to be successful in their futures. My mind fills with ideas and practical ways to aid and build up the school. Yet this planning and preparation comes at a price: Sometimes my family is the one who suffers. I may not make dinner because I am planning for a day’s lesson. I may not play with my son because I have to grade papers all night. I may miss a chance to spend time with my husband because my mind is preoccupied with ways to encourage the teachers on a daily basis. Now with a new baby on the way (my darling Evelyn), my school schedule decreases and my family schedule increases. It frightened me at first: Can’t I do both equally? Well, I could. But I won’t. I feel that the Lord has prepared and growing me into a successful teacher, and that won’t fade away if I take time to be with my family. I don’t want to miss these years. Yet this has been one of the most difficult decisions in my adult life; teaching or full-time mothering? The Lord has given me a wonderful gift: He has given me a deep passion for both. I will wait on His opportunities as they present themselves, and in the meantime, I LOVE being a mommy.